can you kill celebrity children’s books?

Last year, a global agreement was reached to reduce deforestation and methane emissions. Does this mean the end, finally, of children’s books that chew trees, are obsessed with flatulence and written by celebrities?
DF, East Kurrajong, NSW

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A: As a non-famous children’s book author, I too am appalled by this overabundance of bestselling, celebrity-written, fart-themed children’s books. Mainly because they deforest all the lush, verdant forests on the planet that my books should deforest, and pollute our cultural atmosphere with vulgar, undeserved fart jokes that I should vulgarly ignore. We non-famous children’s book authors simply can’t compete; we don’t have the public profile or the media savvy that celebrities have. Once I popped into a bookstore and only two kids showed up, both of them mine. And neither of them bought my book even though I gave them the money.

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So you’re right: we need to act IMMEDIATELY to ban children’s books that bust celebrities. It’s the only way to save this planet, save our children, and save the careers of bitter, struggling, and unfamous authors like me. Instead, I suggest that bookstores only stock educational and eco-responsible children’s books, like the one I just wrote, inspired by your question. It’s called This book was once a beautiful tree and it goes like this: “This book was once a beautiful tree / It lived in the forest and grew happily / Standing so high with its papa and mama / Then a man with an ax cut it in the middle of the belly / He punched and punched and chopped off his head / Punched and split till he was dead / Taken away in a truck, and then, swallow! / Crushed his body into a flat pulp / Tattooed his skin with black ink, and look! / Wow, that dead tree is the book you’re holding right now. Now it’s a bestseller.

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About Stuart M. McFarland

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